The weekend is coming. Your hangover from this morning just won't quit. You just stared at a big meal for about twenty minutes before you could bear to begin thinking about eating it. Maybe last night you were... oh man... I don't even remember. Ugh. . . Shit! And there's an unopened coffee sitting on your desk that you forgot you even went out to get!

Five o'clock is coming and it smells like Christmas. Tonight is Halloween and you have to rush home and get a few beers into you before slipping into your monkey mask and heading out to throw the party into third gear. But first, you've got a couple hours left to get through...

Don't worry. This will help...

- What better way to celebrate Halloween than with sports-themed jack-o'-lanterns? The soccer ball one is maybe the simplest, but still some how the most pure awesome.

- No good? Well how about this Sports Illustrated gallery of the scariest athletes.

- The New Jersey Devils have thought it over, and have decided that they'd prefer not to pay rent on their beautiful, new, taxpayer-funded stadium.

- If you're familiar with my "work" (read: drunken ramblings) over at Drunk Jays Fans, you'll know that I feverishly follow Dutch soccer, and it therefore shouldn't surprise you that I found this article on Dutch football's connection with Suriname-- the South American ex-colony that legends like Gullit, Rijkaard, Seedorf and Davids claim ancestry from-- pretty ridiculously fascinating.

- (Idiot) Knicks fans start chanting for Marbury, and new coach Mike D'Antoni gets caught on camera says something to the effect of: "Are they fucking kidding me? Are they fucking kidding me? What a bunch of assholes."  Am I allowed to like the Knicks now?

- Surprise! Sarah Palin has some geography issues. On the campaign trail in Erie, PA today, the Alaska governor was booed roundly because, not realizing that Philadelphia was 7 hours away, or that Erie in the middle of Cleveland Indians and Pittsburgh Pirates territory, she congratulated the Phillies on their World Series win.

- English boxer Peter Buckley is about to retire after getting into the ring a remarkable 300 times. He's hoping to improve his overall record to 44-256. Yes, you read that right. He's lost 256 times.

- It would be kind of awesome if there was a picture of David Beckham checking out the Laker Girls' assets from the front row. It would be super awesome if there was a whole gallery of it.

- A Gentleman Plans for a Reunion...

- Finally, something worth voting for!

- It is amazing to me how more and more videos of those classy citizens of Philadelphia keep finding their way onto the web.

- I can't remember if I've posted this on here before or not. But whatever, it won't kill you to see it again. OR WILL IT???

- I would never, ever, ever advocate dressing up a pet in a Halloween costume. Except in this one rare circumstance...

"Burn the city down! Burn the fucking city down baby!"

Poor luggage never did nothing to hurt no one...

Hat tip: With Leather

UPDATE: Now with more idiots...

It's once again time for a word from our sponsors. (Though again, these are, obviously, not actually our sponsors.)

This girl is lucky she's got huge cans, because she's about as sharp as a bag of wet hair. Ralph's Williams Stadium? Orcheshire Park, New York?

Where the hell do I know this Mark Hebscher-looking guy from?!? I mean besides this commercial which is obviously a classic-- and not only because dude is rocking the classic early-90s Scarborough mullet-perm...

And while we're on Jays World Series-era commercials, here's this unwatchable, cringe-inducing piece of schlock. Warning: Turn your volume down-- if you get caught blasting this song you'll become a living joke. I'm not kidding. I've seen it happen. It's lameness is all knowing, and all powerful. Beware...

Until it unnecessarily gets a bit sappy at the end, this Dodgers commercial with a guy who wears his foam finger everywhere is worth a watch...

I don't even know what the hell this is-- besides Japanese. And awesome.

It's probably been a few years since you've watched this Chicks Dig the Long Ball commercial with Glavine, Maddux and McGwire. It's still pretty OK.

It wouldn't be a commercial break without Wayne Gretzky whoring himself out one way or another. Here he is with his brother Keith in a 1981 7-Up commercial. Take note of the acting skills-- "Seven up? If anybody needs a 7-Up... it's me."-- I think ol' Wayne may have missed his calling.

And who could forget: bad things, man... bad things...

Obligatory Sports Babe

Happy Halloween everybody. You know, every Halloween we get farther and farther from the idea that it's supposed to be a celebration of the spooky, as it becomes more and more about girls dressing up as a "sexy" whatever. What an age we live in!

Scary Goalie Masks

Of course, Halloween hasn't entirely lost its frightening edge-- and in that spirit the Hockey News shows us their version of the ten scariest goalie masks. Though, for my money, that badass Murray Bannerman one needs to be way higher on the list.

One Last Bit Of Halloweenness...

One hundred awesome illustrated horror movie posters. A lot of these I wouldn't exactly call horror films, but whatever, still pretty cool.

When I Think Subversive, I Don't Think Jennie Finch...

But apparently China does, because the women's softball star was one of nine American Olympic athletes named in an email from Chinese officials to the USOC about individuals of concern. Specifically, they feared that someone might stage some kind of demonstration.

Mountain Man Teases Shaq

In case you haven't already seen it, here's Shaq taking a hack-a-Shaq foul five seconds into the new season, and Gregg Popovich's priceless reaction.

Wow, She's Really Excited That the Phillies Won

Hat tip: Deadspin

I know, I was surprised as you are, but it's true. John Daly passed out at a North Carolina Hooters and after refusing medical treatment and appearing "extremely intoxicated and uncooperative", was taken to local jail to spend the night.

Honestly, Daly has long passed from being that kind of jolly old charming, upbeat drunk, into something a whole lot more sad. So... I don't really know where I'm going with this. I mean, it's not really right to make fun of the man, because he's obviously got problems with alcohol. But on the other hand, John Daly passed out at Hooters and got thrown into the drunk tank. I'm sure you can appreciate my conundrum here...

Golf.com has a gallery of Daly through the years.