Cristiano Ronaldo's ex, Nereida Gallardo, is apparently, bitter that she was broken up with via text message-- that is, if you can believe some British gossip rag. And since the UK press is notorious for its journalistic integrity, that's exactly what I'm going to do. (Oh, and Nereida is also pretty easy on the eyes, too.) Some hilarious dirt, as told to News of the World...

- “He likes his body to be smooth all over and would even use a hair removal cream. He would also use tubs of moisturiser, coating every part of his body, at least twice a day.”

- "His house is full of mirrors so he’s always walking around glancing at himself," revealed Nereida.

He has his initials and the num- ber [sic] seven all over the place. It’s on the doors, the coffee tables and there are mirrors everywhere. He loves looking at himself and playing with his hair.

- Nereida ... blames his mum Dolores for their split. She said: “He phones her every day. I wouldn’t be surprised if his next girlfriend is chosen by his mum.”

BAAAAH-HUURRRRRRRRNNNNNNN!!!!

Of course, he's still somewhat frighteningly good at soccer football. And can nail pretty much any piece he wants. And has millions and millions of dollars. So... uh... yeah... chew on that, pretty boy!

Hat tip: News of the World via Sports Crackle Pop