Alright, so it's official now, Sean Avery has been suspended for six games for the "sloppy seconds" thing, and if you ask me, this is miles beyond fucked. I understand that it's more of a Lifetime Achievement Award, but well... I actually can't explain how completely ridiculous this is of the NHL-- and the morons in the press who are going along with it-- any better than this handy compilation from The Two-Line Pass.

In the post are nine clips of unbelievable cheap shots that resulted in smaller suspensions than Avery got for his remark. Like this one! Ryan Hollweg literally trying to break Sergei Kostitsyn's neck (better angle after the ensuing brawl).

He got one game for this.

Oh, but comparing Avery's comments to slamming someone's head and neck into the boards from behind is apples and oranges, isn't it, Gary Bettman?

"You're talking about two different things," said Bettman. "One has nothing to do with the other. And that's why, in any incident, whether it's on-ice conduct or off-ice conduct, on-ice words or off-ice words, it's apples and oranges, so you have to look at each case, based on its circumstances when you make these judgments."

Now, of course, that's complete horseshit. But if for some reason somebody wanted to believe it, The Two-Line Pass has got them covered as well. Remember 1997? Remember Craig Berube? Remember how Craig Berube was suspended one game for calling Peter Worrell a "monkey" in 1997? How about Chris Simon? Suspended three games for a racial slur he said to Mike Grier that same season.

So... Avery would have been better off if he'd called Phaneuf the N-word?

Seriously. How mind-bogglingly fucked can you get?

Now, that's hardly to say Avery is a saint-- just ask the woman in the clip below (skip ahead to the 2:15 mark):

She is Sandie Griffith of Nashville-- 59 years old, and a mother of two daughters-- and according to this piece at Fan House, what Avery is (seriously) telling her here is:

"You're nothing but an old fucking c*nt, I wouldn't even c*m in your face."

Stay classy, Sean. Stay classy.

But regardless of whether the guy is an a-hole or not, I have no idea how any right-thinking person could think that the NHL's reaction to this is anything but completely insane. For one thing, the apparent disconnect from the language of the culture of people under 40, with this uproar over "sloppy seconds", would be absolutely staggering...  if I bought it for a second. Why don't I? Because for fuck sakes, these are hockey guys! They've been in bars! They've been in locker rooms! This wasn't shocking language-- it was an opportunity to tear down a guy who's gotten under too many skins. And they're probably completely within their right wish that Avery would just go away, but all the NHL has really done here is reinforce the belief that they're horribly bush league, out of touch, and the masters of a truly warped moral code.

But hey, when the alternative is letting one of the sport's great characters create fireworks and turn your product into must-see spectacle, I guess you really have to put your foot down, eh? I mean, sure, fireworks have their place when violence and retribution are their root causes... but words??? That's just taking it a little too far...